Went to church yesterday and felt better. Woke up this morning with nausea and beginnings of panic attack. Was able to keep it to a minimum and did not erupt into a full panic! I forced myself to leave the house and I picked up a friend and we went to an AA meeting. Talked a little about my anxiety. I’m trying so hard to be normal. Lord, help me! These panic attacks happened years ago and was only one or two. Suddenly they are back after years of not having any. Wish I knew what was causing them.

Signing off friends.


I am having panic attacks worse than i have ever had them. If you are a praying person, please pray for me!

That’s all I got today friends!

Haven’t been well.

These headaches are going to be the death of me! The Rx I have is helping some. But I haven’t felt like writing lately. last couple of times I went to dr they tested me for Covid and sent me home! I don’t have Covid-I’m having headaches. Treat me for that please! Every Covid test has been negative even though I was supposedly around someone who had it (in the same room but social distancing).

I’ve had problems with headaches before but usually it’s just my sinuses. I have had 1 migraine in my lifetime. This does not feel like migraines! Had headaches a while back and had dentist make me a mouthpiece to wear at night in case I was clenching my teeth in my sleep. The headaches stopped. But now I can’t find my mouthpiece!

My stress and anxiety is over the top also. That is only making things worse. I pray and try to relax but it doesn’t help every time. (Sigh). I have wedding to go to tomorrow if I feel okay. We’ll see.




I have had an off and on headache for 5 days. It feels like a sinus infection. I’ve had lots so I know what it feels like! Tylenol helps only temporarily. Ugh…

We spent the weekend at my son’s house. It was fun. Grandchildren are awesome!

My depression is somewhat better. I am wanting to stop my gabapentin. I think it is the cause of my horrible weight gain. Weight gain is listed as a side effect. But I don’t think it helps with my depression anyway. So we will see. something is making me feel so tired all the time. I keep telling myself to get up and exercise but I feel too tired! It feels like sheer exhaustion. Could it be my fibromyalgia? My B12 and vitamin D was fine when last checked. At one time they had both been extremely low. All my lab work was ok at last visit. I do have enlarged and fatty liver but the only thing to do for that is weight loss, which I can’t seem to do because of my energy level. I thought getting my sleep apnea treated would help but it hasn’t seemed to help with my energy level. I am still so tired ALL THE TIME! Help me Lord. Help me to get past this! I need to get healthy again!



Jesus loves this girl!

I Can’t Have It Both Ways

I woke up at 5o’clock and couldn’t go back to sleep. I dreamed about my mama and daddy …….they were alive. My Lillie was alive too! And my children were little. it was fun I miss those days………

I tend to live in the past sometimes. I miss people, places and things I don’t have anymore. I want to go back to those days …..a lot. But if I remember correctly, my childhood was racked with insecurity, abuse, depression and anxiety. For some reason I wound up being a girl that the boys liked to torment. From an early age I had a neighborhood kid try almost daily to stick his hand down my shirt! I don’t know why I didn’t tell on him. Maybe because I liked HIM but not what he was trying to do to me. I won’t go into massive detail about my childhood here though. Just suffice it to say I was a tortured soul in many ways. All the “bad” things done to me were from outside my family. My parents and siblings were great!

At 16 years old I was pregnant and married to a 21 year old who abused me, alcohol and drugs! My life was not getting any better. The joy of my whole life were my children! They brought me so much joy and still do! Their dad and I divorced after 8 years and I had a few years of great fun with my kids and my parents. I loved watching my daughter play softball and my son play soccer! Life was good……..till it wasn’t.

My weekend drinking turned into active alcoholism and my children took a back seat. But that’s another story.

I miss so many things about the past but the depression was an ever present problem. Thoughts of taking my life came back often as a child and young adult so who would want to go back to that? But really it has never left me. I still struggle today.

My happiest days now are days spent with my children and grandchildren! If I had given in to the depression as a child or young adult, I would not be here for my grandchildren.

The past still calls my name, especially in my dreams, but to go back there, I would have to give up today and I’m not ready to do that. The truth is, I CAN’T have it both ways so I choose to live in today.

Today – my life is so much better! I survived what should have killed me.


Jesus loves this girl!

Zeroing in

Yesterday I was at a peewee football game. There was the cutest little girl probably about 2 years old playing there close to us. She was oblivious to everything around her. A lady she knew was trying her best to get her attention but to no avail. Suddenly the little girl looked up and saw her mama! As one lady was calling to the little girl, she ran towards her mama screaming, “mama, mama!” She ran past the lady trying to get her attention, ran past us and you could tell she saw nothing but her mama. She was zeroing in on her mom and that was all she could see! She wanted here mama and that was all she wanted! Nothing else mattered at that moment to her. She was running to her mom and wasn’t stopping until she ran right into her arms. What a joyous reunion. I doubt it had been very long since the little girl had seen her mom but still the joy on her face was beautiful to watch!

As I sat there in my chair that scene made we wonder……….is that how I look at Jesus………..and if not………why? As a born again Christian my whole life should be centered around my Jesus but yet it’s not. I don’t look at Jesus and see ONLY Jesus. I let the world around me crowd in and take over sometimes. I see my depression, my anxiety, my selfishness, my idolatry. I let the negative roll in and squash me like a pancake. And there I am, alone in my room, feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could die. That is not an everyday thing, but it does happen a lot. I have learned from my recovery program to counter the negative with the positive. I am good at that on some days. Other days I wallow in self pity.

Today is my sobriety birthday. I have been sober 29 years. Some friends and I went to lunch to celebrate! It was fun. Today is not a depressed day. Today is a good day. I have small body aches but my mind is not telling me to hurt myself. And when it does, I try to tell it to stop lying to me. That I will NOT be better off dead. Someone will miss me and I am important to someone.

As much as I long to leave this earth and see my Jesus, I don’t believe he is finished with me yet. My focus should be on Him. I should be like that little child at the ballfield. Seeing nothing but Jesus! If I can keep my eyes on Him, I will be okay. I know this but I guess it slips my mind sometimes. But I also know that I have a mental illness that tells me to hurt myself and I have to remember that it is an illness and to not believe the lies. I am grateful for my therapist, I am grateful for the medication that keeps me sane and I am grateful for friends and family. Today, just today, life is good. I have to take it one day at a time. I never know from one day to the next how I will be when I wake up. But I know that Jesus is the same always and He loves me. I pray that one day my mental illness does not win this battle that I fight every day. I MUST focus on Jesus and Jesus alone. That is what will save me! I will zero in on JESUS!

Grandchildren and my diseased mind.

Yesterday at 2:23 PM

Grandchildren……Aren’t they the most wonderful things in the world!! They can make us do things we wouldn’t normally do. Like getting up at 5 am to spend two hours in the car to go watch a soccer game. My firstborn grandchild even scored a goal! He is the sweetest little man! But he’s not so little anymore. He will soon be 9. And I think about him getting older, graduating high school, etc. But if I believed what my diseased mind told me, I wouldn’t be here to see all that! My diseased mind tells me I need to leave this world behind and make my early entrance into heaven, if indeed that is where we go when we off ourselves. And I believe heaven is where we go if we believe in Jesus Christ as our lord and savior no matter the manner in which we die. Some would argue this point but that is another story for another time.

I love my grandchildren and they would only miss me a short time even if they remembered me. But I remember the pain I felt the moment my mother died. It was an indescribable pain. I fell on the floor and wailed! I didn’t cry, I WAILED! I would not want to inflict that pain on anyone. That is what stops me. Inflicting pain on others…. but I realize that one day even that may not stop me. I hope it never comes to that. I have been in hospital two times and both times I was seriously thinking of hurting myself. I feel I am coming to that place again but only time will tell. Today is not that day.

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I wrote this a few days ago.……

Sep 18, 2020 at 2:40 PM


This blog will be about my feelings and how I struggle to survive. This will cover hard topics! You have been warned!


While everyone else is watching the ballgame I am surfing the web looking for painless ways to die. It seems an overdose of pills is not the way to go. So…….. the next day I go to an AA meeting and I hear about how sick my thinking is at times and how I can counter those bad thoughts with good thoughts. And suddenly I am not sure I want to die….. not yet! I really want to be in heaven where I don’t have to worry about anything. The ones I leave behind will Miss me but it gets easier over time. I’m going to die sooner or later anyway right?

My diseased brain

I struggle with depression, anxiety, arthritis, fatigue and everything else that goes along with all that! You may or may not enjoy these posts. One day I might be severely depressed and another day I might be happy as shit! My diseased brain tells me to kill myself on any given day. You’re in luck – today’s not the day!

But if you plan to follow this blog, just be warned, there will be good days and bad days.